celluloid

You see, there comes a time for every young girl where she has to
mercifully end the life of her horribly deformed, human/fly hybrid
boyfriend...

The sun shines on the launchpad in Floridia, an enormous Nova rocket dominates the cloudless sky. The vice president, and the wives of the three men about to be sent into space watch from an elevated platform draped in elegant black cloth and patriotic bunting. The Vice President and the joint chiefs quip about the President's absence. "Something more important to do," one says.

T-minus three minus.

Miles away in Houston, dozens hunch over computer consoles in a smoke filled mission control. They go through final checks: Liquid oxygen levels? Check. Landing Module powerdown -- enable. Each person at each console tasked for a particular duty, flight surgeon, navigation, life support. Many wipe nervous sweat from their faces, drag on their cigarettes.

T-minus two minutes.

They conduct the three men perched atop a controlled bomb. They act out the launch sequence as they have many times before. They've practiced in simulators, in their imaginations, even their dreams. But today is the day, the Command Module hatch is sealed behind them. They're
confident, ready, they've practiced for years. Mars, they're going to Mars.

T-minus one minute.

The captain goes over his memorized checklist too focused to be nervous. Then, a shadow passes over his face. A man in a black suit is standing outside the module, opening the hatch. Is he insane? We're about to launch! They're going to retract the platform any minute! The man looks down at the three astronauts, and says calmly, urgently, "Come with me, there's a problem."

Launch.

And the rocket is empty, but only a few know it.

The film Capicorn One is a conspiracy film about the greatest forgery of humankind's history, the faking of the Mars landing. Three years after the conclusion of the Apollo Program, this film popularized and scandalized the next logical step in space exploration. In the film, the three astronauts are whisked away to a secret base to fake radio transmissions and landing footage. They are holed up in the American desert for months until a planned off-course landing, where they will be picked up as if the mission actually happened.

Why would anyone take part in this fabrication? This is the central question behind Capricorn One. Failures and mistakes in the Space Program move the White House to cut funding. Taxpayer popularity, however, keeps NASA afloat. The President makes an ultimatum, the mission to Mars must be flawless, or the entire program is canceled. Everything appeared flawless until just a few weeks prior to launch. A critical flaw in the life support systems was discovered, and would have resulted in the deaths of the astronauts three weeks after liftoff. Instead of canceling the mission, instead of blaming the company that built the equipment, or accepting the personal embarrassment of such a blunder, they powers that be (who they are is kept murky in the film) resort to an elaborate stage production. They aren't afraid to use threats or murder to convince the three men to do their "patriotic duty".

The first half of the film is a breakneck run into conspiracy and fabrication, however, it is still set in the late 1970s. We were last on the moon in 1975, and we haven't been back since. Now in 2008 we're staring down a number of changes to the only space program I've known in my lifetime. In 2010, the Space Stuttle program will be officially ended. In it's place, the new Ares rocket will power us in our attempt to set foot on another planet.

I hate to say it, but I think Capricorn One needs a remake.

Personally, I hate remakes. I hate it when Hollywood thinks it better to remake a British or Japanese television series or movie instead of simply publishing the original. They did it first, the rest are just imitators -- be original! Hollywood, unfortunately, has not been original for a while. One only needs to flip through the barrage of television remakes one can see on the average American television to know that. Rarely mine leaves the Discovery Channel, History Channel, or the Sci-fi Channel, when it is on at all.

Despite this, I am suggesting a remake of this film. Why? The first half of the film hits the ground running, but the last half is more or less a survival story as we watch the astronauts hunted down in the desert. Toward the end it felt as if the film were rushing, trying to meet the ending before all its loose plot threads were tied.

Much of the fabrication was also glossed over. Radio transmissions were really remixed recordings from practice sessions. Only the first step on Mars and a conversation between the astronauts and their wives were actually filmed. Everything else was chalked up to time delay and a lack of technology. Imagine what they could do now. I almost shudder to think what realities were are capable of constructing. Indeed, we could probably fake ladings on the Moon, Mars, pictures of Hitler from Central America, and the Second Coming (as done in The Accidental Time Machine) all rather convincingly.

A modern remake of Capricorn One could be a dark conspiracy epic not unlike the recent Borne films. I can imagine a sweeping scope over many levels both in NASA and the Executive Branch. A large interconnected cast with multiple concurrent plots can keep people on edge over the estimated year or more the mission would take. I would love to see this as a trilogy of films overturning every possible plot avenue.

Sadly, I'm probably not the one to make it. Hell, I'm probably not even the one to write it. That doesn't make it any less of a interesting idea.

Put simply, Clerks II is a cesspool of moviedom, and I want more.

It's 5 years after the events in the classic Clerks, and we hope that Dante (at least) has moved on with his life. You would have thought all that rhetoric about "shit or get off the pot" would have come to something, right? If so, please write "optimist" in black sharpie on your forehead. Dante is still working at the quickstop, and it's time to open.

At this point, the filming is still black and white, faithful to the original film. We see Dante pulling up in his well used car, placing the key in the lock, and opening the security shutters of the forlorn convenience store. No, no gum in the locks this time, but Dante's luck is about to take a serious turn. When he raises the security shutter, the interior of the Quick Stop is in flames -- color flames. Dante quickly shuts it, thinking he's just imagining things (in black and white), and opens it again. Bright orange flames dance throughout the store. No Dante, you're not imagining things. He pulls out his cell and calls 911. The transition to full color occurs so simply and so quickly at this point that I hardly noticed.

Some would think Dante would take this a gift from Fate, "Get on with your life, already!" Sadly no, he instead takes up the stereotypical profession of "losers" everywhere -- burger flipper. To Kevin Smith's credit, he keeps a good deal of advertising out of this film. Instead of a Pizza Hut, McDonald's, KFC, or whatnot, Dante takes a job in a pinnacle fast food chain of the Askew-iverse, Mooby's. For those that have seen other Smith films, we've seen Mooby's before in the film Dogma. It was a decision that would have turned a cesspool of moviedom, into a cesspool of capitalism. Not even the paper soda cups have advertising!

We find out later that another year had passed in the time between the burning of the Quick Stop and events of the remainder of the movie. Dante and Randal have both been working at Mooby's since the fire, only it's Dante's last day.

Dante is about to get married. Normally, I would be happy for the guy. A wife, a new beginning in Florida as the manager of a car wash, I'd cheer him on. After seeing his fiance Emma, however, I wished he had burned along with the Quick Stop. It took me all of three minutes to turn to my friend and say quietly, "I want to strangle the life out of her." Trust me, you'll think the same thing when you see her pink "Mrs. Hicks" T-shirt.

In total, there are four employees working at Mooby's: Dante, Randal, Becky, and Elias. Dante runs the front (I assume), Randal the grill, Becky's the manager, and Elias makes the burgers. Dante and Randal are much as they were in the original Clerks, although they had lost some of their "philosophical" edge. Becky, played by the enchanting Rosario Dawson, seems the ideal boss for such a gang of misfits. Perhaps the most annoying character is Elias, outspoken Christian, Momma's Boy, and hardcore Lord of the Rings fan.

That's the official employees, of course. You really believe that Jay and Silent Bob wouldn't grace this film?

At this point, the film begins to lose it's promise. I was hoping for something similar to the original Clerks, plenty of unnecessary philosophising on pop culture minutiae and occasional insults to the general prudishness of mainstream America. Instead, the balance on the opposite end. There were only occasional philosophising, and a hell of a lot of insults to prudishness. So much so, that the plot integrity of the film became threadbare. In Clerks II's defence, I will say it had more content then say, an Adam Sandler film.

Rosario Dawson is absolutely magnetic in this film. If you don't believe this when you first see her in the film, just wait. Both the actress and her character shine during the rooftop dance scene. She's instantly a memorable character, and I hope to see her in other films in the future.

The character I could do without, of course, was Elias. While he does make a good opposite for Randal with his Lord of the Rings fandom, he doesn't have the backbone to stand toe-to-toe with Randal. In the end, Elias's studding presentation came off as unsettling and embarrassing. He does redeem himself at the end of the film, thankfully.

The core of the film again centers on Dante. While his fiance Emma offers everything that Dante wants -- a wife, a life, an escape from Randal -- it'd be a soulless existence. He'd only get these things in exchange for living up to everyone else's expectations, rather than defining his life on his terms. Becky serves as the counterpoint. She wants Dante to live as he wants to the point of letting him marry Emma. "Which will Dante choose?" is the essential question of the movie.

The ending of the film made an excellent point that's not respected in American culture. While we hail self-definition, if that definition doesn't involve "lofty" goals, we discount it. But why should we? Why is working at a Quick Stop for a living so bad? We tend to equate fame with success, making achieving success nearly impossible for anyone.

Clerks II is by no means excellent film-making. It is, as I've said before, a cesspool of depravity and pop culture. It's storyline isn't the most highly developed in the world. Even the dialog isn't the most expertly written or presented. These are points that are easy to overlook if you're a fan of Kevin Smith or simply want to see the Clerks back in silver screen. Did I enjoy it? Absolutely.