I've never been particularly good at taking vacations. I've become particularly bad at this in the last two years as my job and private life have become hectic. The last week summerizes this well.

While last weekend I busied myself with errands and visiting a friend to watch movies, when Monday came I found myself unsure what to do with myself. I decided to try to work on some patch code for the Organic Groups Dupal module. Unforunately, the developer and I seem to have an impasse about how to develop a particular feature. When I started working on implementing it, I discovered that it wasn't in mind with the bigger picture of the module. I stopped working on the code, feeling embarrassed and more than a little self-conscious. 

I don't remember much of Tuesday. I'm sure I played Halo 3 for several hours that day, but all I can really recall is generally being in a really rubbish mood for most of the day.

Wednesday was better. Pazi and I set out to run some errands including going out to lunch and buying her a new phone. I came home feeling much more accomplished and deserving of some relaxation. I got really frustrated with Halo (the first game), but eventually I calmed down and worked through it. What followed was a lovely little evening involving gluten-free pizza and Fugitive Alien. 

Today, Thursday, has been perhaps the most vacation-like day this week. Pity it only took me three days to get here. Most of the morning was Halo, with a dash of Futurama at lunch. This afternoon was gelato at a local coffee shop. I have designs on roast salmon for dinner, along with a watching of Lathe of Heaven (PBS version), and yes, more Halo. 

I should try my hand at more Drupal coding this evening. Despite my embarressment at the beginning of the week, it's best to dust myself off and code something. I'd love to write some Rules code that will set or unset permissions when a group of a particular content type is created. That'd solve another issue for me with deninet 7. 

I feel I've lost myself over the last several years. I've lost my ability to write, to draw, to program, to create. Most nights pass away quickly and quietly with movies, music, or podcasts. It's difficult to focus on being creative when you work in a content production industry; by the time the evening comes, there's little energy left to do more.

I've taken a few steps hoping to reorganise my life. I work from home now, eliminating communting time and vastly reducing lunch expenses. I've dropped my gym membership, opting instead to exercise at home using a cyclist's trainer and a handfile of other equipment. I have tried to add more quiet time to my schedule in the hope that the silence will allow for a calmer mindset. 

Even with all of this, I still find it difficult to focus on the creative efforts I once enjoyed. With age, in my case, came timidity. So much so that writing a simple blog post can be an epic struggle against thumbing the Delete Key. Friends and co-workers alike have suggested that I'm simply overworked, and that a long vacation and a change of scenery would snap me out of my doldrums. 

The thing is, I've had vacations. I've had comp time. I've had holidays. None of these have helped. The trouble is not where I am, but how I am. Fixing that will take much, much more time.

And require much, much more effort.