This weekend went too quickly. Pazi and I waited at home for a new piece of furniture to arrive most of the day, but accepted it wouldn't arrive. We burned the day moving books and disposing of a large bookshelf. Late that afternoon we met up with friends for some food and gaming. After a few rounds, we settled in to watching a movie. The evening ended too early, no thanks to my perpetual fatigue. 

Today similarly came and went quickly. Pazi and I only had one errand, but we started in the afternoon and it felt like it occupied the entire day. I tried to slow the day by reading, but fatigue found me there too. 

My class is mostly written at this point. I have most of this week to complete a single lab, then polish the material as much as I can until sending off to the printers on Friday. The following week I'll be testing it against a live environment, and finally I put it in front of students on the 22nd. 

Pazi hasn't been happy about the schedule, especially the travel to Houston half way through the month. It's necessary, and honestly, the best thing for the class. it also means time away from home, and a continued level of stress for several more weeks. 

This is to say nothing about the other class I need to write.

Work has been more than exhausting as of late. The project I'm currently working on is such a huge priority for the company that we've bypassed many of the expected procedures and timetables in order to complete it. The result, for me at least, has been writing two classes cocurrently in a third of the time usuall given to create one. I've been putting in extra hours many days of the week, and donated most of my weekend to making some modicum of progress. 

This morning, my deadline is still frighteningly close. Thanks to the above effort, however, I'm more than half way done. I actually feel confident I can have the class finished in time without losing another weekend. 

Often at times like this, I remember the speech Dr. Tyrell gave to Roy in Blade Runner: "The light that burns twice as bright burns for half as long - and you have burned so very, very brightly, Roy." Does all this workaholism have an effect on the proximity of mortality? It certainly has an effect on my health, whether or not that is permanent, however, one cannot tell. 

Pazi and I have been suffering through the Midwestern heat the last two weeks. We could run the AC non-stop, but I'm concerned about the expense and, to a lesser extent, the effect on the environment. Since Pazi has returned to Minnesota from Cascadia, it's become clear to us both that this isn't the best place for her. As a result, we're considering a cross-country move to Orgeon when our lease is up. Contingent on this is having the money available. We estimate the moving costs at $3000. It's possible, but I'd rather have the money decide the issue for us rather than putting everything on a credit card. 

I worry about moving away from my 30 year home. I grew up here. I know the places and people. In moving away, I'll be in a different culture, with different weather, and far away from my small circle of friends. I worry about leaving them behind. I worry that it might signal the end for any projects on which we're collaborating. I worry about the sense of isolation that will create.

I've never been particularly good at taking vacations. I've become particularly bad at this in the last two years as my job and private life have become hectic. The last week summerizes this well.

While last weekend I busied myself with errands and visiting a friend to watch movies, when Monday came I found myself unsure what to do with myself. I decided to try to work on some patch code for the Organic Groups Dupal module. Unforunately, the developer and I seem to have an impasse about how to develop a particular feature. When I started working on implementing it, I discovered that it wasn't in mind with the bigger picture of the module. I stopped working on the code, feeling embarrassed and more than a little self-conscious. 

I don't remember much of Tuesday. I'm sure I played Halo 3 for several hours that day, but all I can really recall is generally being in a really rubbish mood for most of the day.

Wednesday was better. Pazi and I set out to run some errands including going out to lunch and buying her a new phone. I came home feeling much more accomplished and deserving of some relaxation. I got really frustrated with Halo (the first game), but eventually I calmed down and worked through it. What followed was a lovely little evening involving gluten-free pizza and Fugitive Alien. 

Today, Thursday, has been perhaps the most vacation-like day this week. Pity it only took me three days to get here. Most of the morning was Halo, with a dash of Futurama at lunch. This afternoon was gelato at a local coffee shop. I have designs on roast salmon for dinner, along with a watching of Lathe of Heaven (PBS version), and yes, more Halo. 

I should try my hand at more Drupal coding this evening. Despite my embarressment at the beginning of the week, it's best to dust myself off and code something. I'd love to write some Rules code that will set or unset permissions when a group of a particular content type is created. That'd solve another issue for me with deninet 7. 

I feel I've lost myself over the last several years. I've lost my ability to write, to draw, to program, to create. Most nights pass away quickly and quietly with movies, music, or podcasts. It's difficult to focus on being creative when you work in a content production industry; by the time the evening comes, there's little energy left to do more.

I've taken a few steps hoping to reorganise my life. I work from home now, eliminating communting time and vastly reducing lunch expenses. I've dropped my gym membership, opting instead to exercise at home using a cyclist's trainer and a handfile of other equipment. I have tried to add more quiet time to my schedule in the hope that the silence will allow for a calmer mindset. 

Even with all of this, I still find it difficult to focus on the creative efforts I once enjoyed. With age, in my case, came timidity. So much so that writing a simple blog post can be an epic struggle against thumbing the Delete Key. Friends and co-workers alike have suggested that I'm simply overworked, and that a long vacation and a change of scenery would snap me out of my doldrums. 

The thing is, I've had vacations. I've had comp time. I've had holidays. None of these have helped. The trouble is not where I am, but how I am. Fixing that will take much, much more time.

And require much, much more effort.