Had to leave the charity shop an hour early today, to make an appointment with my endocrinologist (he doesn't work on days I don't have work, so I couldn't have changed it to a non-conflicting day). Just as well, as I was on the register most of my four hours there. I always feel especially incompetent when I am working on the register, even though I made no mistakes of consequence today. That much interacting with people is stressful and draining, especially when I am feeling pressure to respond swiftly and clearly.

It was no less stressful, nor draining, working at my last library placement, but I felt like I was doing better. Perhaps because I mistrust the finality of the register. I'm better than I think, I think, but this is not what I want to be doing.

Leaving early did not help as much as I planned. The person in front of me at the station had a long delay trying to buy a yearly ticket for his wife, without her ID, which was special circumstances for the station staff and took long enough to resolve that I missed my intended train. Fortunately there was enough margin for error that I only arrived six minutes late, well before I was called in or the previous patient stepped out.

My numbers seem fine. Kidney and liver normal, blood pressure normal. Vitamin D still at the low end of normal, so I should occasionally spend some time outside (if I can get some time at home alone to do it in). Was offered a prescription for a topical oestrogen cream, which I intend to sit on for a few days.

Before I left I volunteered to work several extra hours on Saturday afternoon, as apparently the place is short of people that day. I missed a couple of days to being sick previously, so this seemed a good way to minimise the extra time Centrelink might require of my if I come up short in attendance.

I really need to find a proper job. One that would let me afford to look after myself, maybe to move out. My family has decided to force everyone in the house onto a diet, and didn't seem convinced by my assertion that I don't need to lose weight. They seem to have the ability to believe weight loss is not always good or desirable, despite paying lip service to the idea anorexia is bad. My family's attitudes to food and health make me want to avoid eating to avoid criticism for it, to punish my body with exercise until there is nothing anyone could complain of.

I am scared and upset and worried for my grip on myself. I worry there is only so much refusal I can do.

Avoided seeing my GP this week about an intermittent, sharp abdominal pain, mainly because it was not bad enough to prevent me from working, and only lasted a couple of days so by the time I was free to see someone about the problem it had been gone for a while, and I gave in to 'would have felt silly going in to complain about an absent pain'.

But now I'm having another recurring problem, a sort of torn pain in the sole of my right foot. That's been going on for months, and when it flares up it makes walking painful although definitely not impossible. So I probably ought to see someone about that, even if it is unlikely there's much to be done.

I feel silly posting about minor stuff like this, when I know people with much more significant problems not going on about them like this. But, it is a sort of goal to post about stuff that is going on in my life and right now what's going on is "foot hurts, walking difficult but doable". Ah well.

I've literally been sick for seven days now -- debilitatingly so -- and now have standing orders to stay home the rest of the week.

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It all started last Tuesday.  I woke up feeling horrid, like a waking Nyquil poster-girl on viral steroids.  Being utterly exhausted, I inadvertently got dehydrated; a trip to the Urgent Care clinic turned into a frightening trip to the ER, as I was completely out of it by then.  Pazi and Tess, bless them, took me and accompanied me; I fear I scared the bejeebles out of both of them though, as to my understanding I stopped speaking English at some point (and was defaulting to Japanese) and got... I believe the medical term is 'uncoöperative.'  Next thing I know my arms are strapped down to the gurney in an awkward and painful position, I'm aspirating my own sputum, and the nurse is asking me "Why are you acting like an idiot?"  Sigh.  Not fun for anyone.

Saw the doctor Thursday; his note barely satisfied HR for keeping me out on Short Term Disability (STD).  Things haven't really improved much, and in fact some axes have gotten worse.  The doctor started to suspect mono, but I just went in and tested negative for that.  He prescribed antibiotics and thinks, possibly, I've got a sinus infection brewing that's just adding fuel to my body's fire.  Not really sure though.

All this, in a word, sucks.  i've missed so much work.  And it seems they want a full suite of forms every time I so much as sneeze.  I just want to be healthy and do my job, but friends and family and therapists are all encouraging me to get my résumé in order and start looking elsewhere.  I'm starting to think seriously about it.  I may even enquire regarding a "live-in groundsperson" at my building.  If nothing else, that might get me out of a work environment that's turned toxic, and keep me afloat while I search for something more suited to my abilities and talents.

That's all for now.  Time for me to take some more anti-inflammatory medicines and crash for a bit.