I've begun to notice a pattern with business trips lately. As the trip approaches, I get increasingly worried about if the clothes I have to fit the venue fit me. This can be in the least, a subconscious stressor, and in the worst, outright panic. Each time I manage to get through the business trip, but it often takes a toll.

The problem is that now that I work out of my apartment it's easy to build a wardrobe of comfortable, geeky T-shirts and jeans. Then when I actually need to go to an office, everything I have is almost two years old. In those two years, I lost a lot of weight, had major surgery, and gained much of it back albeit in different places. The long skirts I used to wear five days a week now seem too obscuring and don't reflect my more attractive attributes (as my spice like to remind me). 

I other words, I need a new wardrobe. 

Furthremore, I need a new wardrobe with a style that better corresponds to the circumstances of my daily life. Button-down blouses are practically unsuitable for anything other than going to an office. Replacing those with new blouses wouldn't solve the problem, as they would sit in my closet or my luggage until the next business trip. Instead, I need something that's dressy, but comfortable enough to wear out with friends, as well as to a business casual venue. 

Complicating this is two factors. First, I prefer simple clothing. Few patterns, colors, and no requriement for layering with the exception of the occasional cami. Second is carry-on capacity. If I cannot pack five days of clothes in a piece of luggage, I'm in trouble. I loath checking luggage and certainly do not trust the airlines. The two factors combined -- to say nothing about the money involved -- will make this a long process. 

Nevertheless, it's time to go exploring. 

I feel I've lost myself over the last several years. I've lost my ability to write, to draw, to program, to create. Most nights pass away quickly and quietly with movies, music, or podcasts. It's difficult to focus on being creative when you work in a content production industry; by the time the evening comes, there's little energy left to do more.

I've taken a few steps hoping to reorganise my life. I work from home now, eliminating communting time and vastly reducing lunch expenses. I've dropped my gym membership, opting instead to exercise at home using a cyclist's trainer and a handfile of other equipment. I have tried to add more quiet time to my schedule in the hope that the silence will allow for a calmer mindset. 

Even with all of this, I still find it difficult to focus on the creative efforts I once enjoyed. With age, in my case, came timidity. So much so that writing a simple blog post can be an epic struggle against thumbing the Delete Key. Friends and co-workers alike have suggested that I'm simply overworked, and that a long vacation and a change of scenery would snap me out of my doldrums. 

The thing is, I've had vacations. I've had comp time. I've had holidays. None of these have helped. The trouble is not where I am, but how I am. Fixing that will take much, much more time.

And require much, much more effort.