I've been given a heck of a lot to think about over this last week.

First, a bit of context.  Had a therapy session on Monday with Pazi; we spent a good deal of time talking about how our relationship developed, and then delved into some more intimate topics.  Tuesday, I reconnected with my friend from high school, Tarra.  Wednesday, a panic attack I'd been fighting off went full-blown when I got a rather hostile-sounding email from my boss about working from home; ended up spending much time with Pazi and Tess that night and into Thursday morning.  Thursday, I'd gotten an extra appointment with Cesar to talk about work: I'd been left on the brink of turning in my two-week notice, because the environment is killing me.  Friday, had a productive day, talked to my Union rep about the situation, and was encouraged to wait at least until I return from vacation -- at which point we should have a meeting scheduled to talk about my needs for accommodation.  Friday night and well into Saturday afternoon, still more time with Pazi and Tess.

One of the key things that came out of Thursday's appointment: I take things very personally at work.  I know why.  I'm a type-A perfectionist, and furthermore, I care a lot about the museum as well as my coworkers.  It's been extremely stressful feeling like I'm constantly letting everyone down of late.  And, expecting support I feel I should have earned from 10+ years of exemplary service, it hurts to feel I'm getting the rug pulled out from under me whenever I try to follow my doctors' advice and take care of myself.  Yet, every one of my friends seems to think that the place is no longer a good fit -- and I'm inclined to agree.

Another key thing: boundaries.  I think Cesar is right when he opines that I'm sacrificing myself in subtle ways to friends and family (not quite his words, mind you).  As he put it, part of it's an understandable teenagish reaction to all the "ooh, shiny" people in my life now.  Part of it, honestly, might be a bit of escapism from the dour reality of my work; I'm prone to retreating from reality when things get too stressful.  My apartment's a mess, I've more medical bills to sort out, and I need to spend time organizing things and helping clear out my dad's former home so we can put it to market.

These things have been taking a back seat to "family time" a little too much.  I need to find a balance, here.  Part of it, I'm sure, is that I'm still not used to being desireable company for others; having an honest-to-goodness social life is alien to me, and I'm admittedly a bit of a xenophile.  It's incredibly gratifying to have people in my life who want me around, particularly since I want them around and find them very sweet, caring, beautiful, shiny, fun, comfortable... I could go on for a full paragraph of adjectives.  In small but important ways, I'm losing myself in that.

Meanwhile, there's Tarra.  Reconnecting with her has been surprising and profound -- for both of us.  Even though it's been about 20 years since we last really interacted, a deep and open friendship has sparked anew, far stronger in fact than it was two decades ago.

For me it's equally gratifying and scary.  Tarra is a wonderful person, but she holds many beliefs I tend to regard skeptically at best.  She's a practicing witch, and has talked about astral projection and dreamwalking quite frankly, among other things; my view on such tends to be rather agnostic, in that as far as I'm concerned they might be real phenomena or they could be "tricks of the mind" and simply ways of explaining, rationalizing, and understanding deeper mental processes.  And yet, I have my own reincarnation story which resonates in an extremely spooky manner with the story of how Tarra's own daughter was brought into this world.

That's the scary part.  The gratifying part: another potentially deep and lifelong friendship; being found attractive, desireable, and loved by yet another person -- again, one who is shiny to me in many ways.  I'm buffering that as best as I can, but even the trickle-down is quite a high-energy current.

Put that together with the boundary issues mentioned previously, and I'm finding myself in a bit of a conundrum.  Tarra -- who has her own very full life, and a solid, steady life-partner and family of her own -- could be a very healthful and safe person with whom to practice finding balance.  She's made it clear that my company is always welcome but never necessary; though she's admitted she's got a bit of a crush on me after having met, she's quite conscious that it's a passing phase (or as I'd put it, a touch of New Relationship Energy).

The catch: I'm extremely prone to slipping past those boundaries of time, and quite possibly even physicality -- the latter has yet to be really tested.  I'm torn between wanting to try and experience this friendship fully and "just be" with Tarra as cuddle buddies and little more -- and fear that, despite my best efforts and intentions, I end up spiralling off and end up hurting several people in the process.

It's really hard balancing openness and vulnerability with boundary maintenance, after all -- and both of these are important theraputic goals in my life right now.

And, though I've already touched on it... I'm still processing just how loved I am and how attractive I'm found by what feels like so many, many people all of a sudden.  I still don't know "what's changed" about me for this to start happening.  Meeting two new friends via OKC, rebooting more than one old friendship, strengthening some other existing ones (primarily my friend Sasha)... it's a bit overwhelming and confusing.  Mysteries abound.  Perhaps I'll sort them out, or perhaps they'll remain mysteries for some time to come.

Lastly, the thought occurred to me the other day: I've been neglecting to cultivate inner peace.  I haven't been meditating.  I've been letting myself get wrapped up in things.  I'm trapped yet in an ultimately non-existent tension between enjoying all these wonderful gifts in my life and the gifts I give to others, and remaining unattached in the Buddhist sense.  I think that's perhaps fundamental to all of what I'm experiencing right now; it seems to tie together all these threads with eery precision.  I need to resume working on this and bettering myself, so eventually I'm no liability to anyone -- merely an asset.