Over the last few weeks, despite having effectively stopped using my iPhone earbuds entirely, I've been noticing my hearing continue to deteriorate.

This is disturbing.  I've known I've had hearing issues for many years; I suffered near-continuous ear infections since childhood (coupled by severe and debilitating dizzy spells -- thankfully both have abated in the last decade), my dad has been pretty hard of hearing for the better part of a decade, and we both have small eustachian tubes which often fail at draining fluid as designed.  Plus, I'm a musician; not only do I enjoy music, not only do I make it, but it's one of the few constants that I can rely on to keep me on this side of the light at the end of the tunnel.

Obviously, music -- neither the making nor the enjoyment thereof -- isn't completely dependent on hearing.  But it's a big part of it.  So the prospect of losing it is particularly worrisome.  For me, a life without hearing would be a life without color or taste; I'd still hear the music in my mind and would do everything I could to make and share it, but enjoying new music would be extremely challenging.  I don't want this to happen.

Why am I so worried, and now?  Largely because I cannot hear what friends say in even modestly noisy situations.  Car rides are particularly troublesome, between road noise, ambient noise, wind noise, and often being in the back seat whilst others are in front.  Even in less saturated environments, I still have to ask people to repeat things, and sometimes need to lean in so my ear is pointed directly at their voice and/or in close enough proximity to get a useful noise-to-signal ratio.

Admittedly, this may be partly due to my changing social environ.  For the last 30+ years I've tended to be hermited away, avoiding social interactions beyond a 2:1 friend-to-Marion ratio.  I don't drive, and for years and years most of my passengerhood was spent in the car with my parents -- who tended not to talk much when on the road (thankfully not in an uncomfortable way; we were simply quiet!).  Over the last year or so I have had far more cause to interact with others verbally and in a variety of situations, so it may just be that I'm noticing long-standing problems more and more.

But, I don't think it's just that.  Subjectively I've noticed my hearing worsening, and at a rate that -- while far from precipitous -- is still quite troubling.  Less subjectively, my ears now almost constantly feel clogged; it's as if the tubes have gone into early retirement.  Something seems to be changing, but I don't know what, yet.  I suspect however that smoking is involved.

So, all this is a long preamble to a very simple point: tomorrow, I'm going to call my general practitioner's office and schedule an appointment.  I haven't seen him for a while, and I have one or two other minor health concerns to talk about -- but the main reason is to get a referral to an otolaryngologist to get my hearing checked and start tracking it as objectively as possible.  Hopefully they'll be able to offer advice on how to preserve my hearing, and/or have suggestions as to why my hearing is starting to fail (if indeed it is).  Though even a successful appointment likely won't change the basic fact that I'm tired of missing things, I'm tired of contorting myself to stay in the conversational loop, I'm tired of making feel people awkward by having them repeat what they've said -- and I'm a bit scared as to where this might end up going.  Hearing is just too central to my life right now to contemplate losing.